As I sit here and write this, I am currently staked out at my dinning room table with my feet propped up on a chair and my shoes still on. I am hiding from a spider that is currently hiding from me. Earlier this morning, a rather large wolf spider ran right inside my home when I opened my front door. I tried to spray some bug-killer spray on it to no avail; it's just too fast! I couldn't stomp on it because it kept putting itself right up next to furniture, under a bike helmet that's on the floor next to the bike, etc. My husband and I are both arachnophobics, you see, so this spider is creating a bit of an issue for both of us. However, he got to escape to work earlier today, and I'm stuck here until my lessons start up later today. It does stuck being scared of such a little thing...a little, creepy, eight-legged, eight-eyed, fast-running thing that was last seen hiding around my couch somewhere.
My current deal-with-the-spider plan is to calm down enough to begin vacuuming the living room floor, since it needs it anyway. Then, while fully armed with the vacuum, I can scoot the couch around and suck it up when it runs out. This plan should go well...as long as said spider is still camping out near the couch. If not....I guess I'll have more hiding to do today. Sigh.
This spider-event has gotten me thinking about something else that has been bothering me lately, the age-old question: Am I good enough? I would wager that this question is one of the most common questions ambitious-types ask themselves. I know it certainly haunted me all those years I was in music schools. Let's face it, without the encouragement of someone at some point in our lives saying, "You know, you're really good at this," very few of us would develop the ambition to succeed in any given career. And then, if after we get into the field, we don't receive some similar encouragement at some point, either in the form of a competition won, a role landed, or positive comments on major assignments turned in, then we start to lose the confidence that original person instilled in us.
That is certainly what happened to me in the music world. I was always encouraged by a small number of very supportive faculty, but I always failed to land any tangible evidence that I "had the goods." The truth is, having everything come down to a five or ten minute audition was not something I could handle. I would put so much pressure on myself at that one performance that I would bomb it.
Now that I'm entering a field in traditional academia, I must say I'm liking the process of "how to impress" a lot more. I can impress by writing an impeccable statement of purpose through writing multiple revisions and having it proofread by my profs in the field. Also, I can devour as much research as I can at the schools where I am applying, study up for good GRE grades, and, of course, get a 4.0 GPA. What is similar to music is that I have months and months to put together a package that presents me at my best. What is different is that this package is all on paper, so as long as I successfully put that package together, I can't screw it up with a wad of phlegm, not taking a big enough breath for that one phrase, wearing the wrong shoes with that dress, etc. I don't have to worry about getting sick on the plane, and I can even fly out on the red-eye if I visit the schools cause, heck, I'm not singing for them. As long as my eyes are clear from the eye drops and that five-hour energy keeps me alert enough while meeting faculty, I'm golden. My throat can feel dry and scratchy all it wants!
But I have to admit, I still struggle with that "Am I good enough?" question. It's a pretty paralyzing thought. If I let that question get the better of me, I lose all motivation...all that lovely forward-momentum I've been building the past year just evaporates. So clearly, I cannot let this question get the better of me. Perhaps I can find a middle-ground of being humble to the proper point of still being open enough to learn, but not be paralyzed with fear. It's not like I never have options in life. It's not like failure on this one path = failure at all of life. Certainly not! It's gotten pretty cliche to think of failures as opportunities, but when put in their proper place that's all they really are. Opportunities that emerge after the crying, ice cream, chocolate, moping about the house for a few days, yoga classes, and lunches with friends that tend to follow after a particularly spectacular failure. As long as the process of working through the failure doesn't get the better of you, then there are always more options emerging around the corner.
So perhaps I am asking myself the wrong question. It's not "Am I good enough," but, "Am I motivated and capable enough to succeed in this endeavour?" My answer to that is: Yes. Yes I am plenty capable, passionate, and motivated to do what needs to be done to be successful. And really, that's all I need...which is convenient because that is all I actually have direct control over anyway.
...Not so sure how well this plan will work for the spider-situation though...
No comments:
Post a Comment